SPAM. It strikes fear into the hearts of many. Children hide, women weep, men gag. Midgets.. well, midgets don't really count as people.
Once upon an ancient time, our heroin Sarah and her faithful sidekick Justin embarked on a perilous quest to conquer this forbidden and mysterious meat.
 
Our brave and dynamic duo thought they knew the dangers of SPAM: funky jelly stuff, disturbing pinkish color, and that suction noise it makes when you open the can. They thought they were invincible; they thought that these threats were minor. They were wrong. Let us now witness the horrors of their journey.
Their plan was simple enough: follow the directions on the can. I mean, there are only four of them. Four is a pretty good number. Justin can even count to four if you let him concentrate for a while.
STEP ONE: Lift and pull.
Justin, being the stronger one as denoted by his heighth and pointy hair, was the first to attempt to infiltrate the SPAM's base of operations.
It was not a success.
As Justin writhed in pain, Sarah spoke up. "You ass goblin, its just a can! How hard can it possibly be to open?!" Oh, if only she knew.
Clearly the might of our combined physical prowess was no match for the gelatinous meat substitute. More drastic measures had to be taken. Still writhing around in pain, Sarah and Justin had a stroke of genious: power tools!
"TO THE BAT MOBILE!" Sarah cried and ran off in a frenzy.
"Garage," Justin reminded her. "Garage."
And to the garage they did go.
Unfortunately, they couldn't find the chainsaw so they had to improvise with hedge clippers.
Well.. fuck. That didn't work.
"BUT WAIT! Perhaps the SPAM would not be able to escape our grasp if we use the vice! YES! The vice! BRILLIANCE!"
And so they did, and it was grand, and Sarah brought forth the hammer.
Finally "lift and pull" was under control and they could move forward in their voyage.
STEP TWO: Squeeze until it pops, and STEP THREE: Tap the can (on the plate).
Our heroes were a bit reluctant to take these next steps after the tragedy of the first, but it had to be done. They had to end the SPAM's tyranny once and for all, and this was the only way to do it.
The can didn't put up much of a fight, possibly because they had killed it during STEP ONE (or possibly because a can is an inanimate object and Sarah and Justin are just fucking retarded for being unable to open it in the first place).
Finally it was time to release the beast.
STEP TWO: Squeeze until it pops.
STEP THREE: Tap the can (on the plate).
The SPAM did not succumb to its new home on the paper plate easily, though that is far too sinister a tale to tell you here. There could be children present. In fact, I might be one of them. With kids these days, you just never know anymore. Here are a few of the less graphic scenes.
After a great and bloody battle, the SPAM eventually was subdued and on came the second part of STEP FOUR: fry. It sizzled not unlike Justin's hot ass, and turned an orangeish pink color similar to a possum's tale. Possums are cool.
Once their prey had been caught, Justin and Sarah brought it back to their lair to engage in a customary feeding frenzy akin to a pack of lions consuming a gazelle.
Still, they were reluctant. "What if its still alive?" Sarah wondered.
"Worse yet, what if it tastes like pork?" Justin replied.
"Pork is good."
"No its not, I'm going to put ketchup on it."
Sarah, being a purest, was disgusted. In an attempt to keep the SPAM's integrity, she lunged at Justin to steal his slice away. Much growling ensued.
Eventually they got sleepy, calmed down, and dug in.
Yum baby, yum.
Reactions were mixed; Sarah loved her new meaty companion, but Justin still insisted that ketchup was needed.
Then came the strangulation.
The struggle.
And VICTORY!
Sarah went on to eat more SPAM for lunch later on, and Justin is still lying on her bedroom floor unconscious. The doctors say he's probably got brain damage. Good times.
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