After the horror, confusion, and utter stupidity of the Kangaroo Incident, the peasants were almost broken. Such tumultuous times they had lived through! They could only pray that their turbulent love affair with the Muffin Man would one day finally calm itself and became the joyous and fluffy life that it so had the potential to be. Alas, the peasants' prayers were answered not, and after a short absence, a sad prophecy was handed down from the Great One himself:
Hello faithful servants. I have returned, enlightened from my journey. After my last wrathful visit upon slave sarah, I needed some time off. While gone, apparently flash man tried to swoon you over to the dark side. I would say thats a bad idea, but I really don't care. No, really, I don't. Even though flash man and I both hate you, I still depend on you for my function and purpose. I am the true slave. My love for you stems from my distaste for you. It also seems there is a kangaroo in our midst... The gods forewarned me about this. The kangaroo is an evil messenger. A sidekick if you will, to the flash man. The warm pouchy home he tempts you with is nothing more than an endless, muffinless pit of horrible eternal damnation and suffering. Close your ears to his tempting siren call.
Now for other news. The time has come for an ancient prophecy to be told. A message I have long kept quiet until the right time, and that time is upon us. A great war is in the womb... The final chapter to the muffin saga is in motion. Prepare yourselves for a climax... A resurrection.... An end... And while you are gasping in disbelief and craving a thirst for more information, enjoy my latest recipe, the pizza muffin!! I know it sounds a little strange, but they are great muffins for lunch, with a pasta dish or a late night snack!
-Ingredients- -2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour- -2 teaspoons baking powder- -1/2 teaspoon baking soda- -1/2 teaspoon salt- -1 teaspoon dried basil leaves- -1/2 teaspoon dried oregano- -2 tablespoons white sugar- -3 sun-dried tomatoes packed in oil, drained and diced- -2 1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar cheese, divided- -4 green onions, chopped- -1 egg, beaten- -1 1/2 cups buttermilk- -Directions- -1-Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or line with paper muffin liners. -2-In a large bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, basil, oregano and sugar into large bowl; stir until well blended. Mix in tomatoes, 1.5 cups of cheese and onions. In another bowl beat egg, whisk in buttermilk and stir until combined. Spoon batter into muffin tins until half full. Sprinkle remaining 1 cup cheese on top of muffins. -3-Bake in preheated oven for 15 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into center of the muffin comes out clean.
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..and then it all went silent. Months passed, and our Muffin Man spoke not a word. I began to think that perhaps this end our Great One spoke of had come prematurely -- or perhaps he wished for some sort of peasant induced destruction of myself. In this grave and sad time, it was decided that we should simply preserve his memory rather than our usual course of action, which would be to panic and revolt. And so, in the now silent and Man-less Muffin Kingdom, life continued on. There was a brief infestation of evil and mind warping pancakes and a short flirtation with pies, but the fields were tended as always and we constantly clung to that shred of hope that our Overlord would return one day. These dreams were shattered on a warm July mourn, when a truly terrible thing indeed was brought to light in a post by one calling himself Handsom Ransom:
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once i rode a pony to the zoo and fed It carrots. i liKe sunglasses on bugs. It makes them cute. chika chika. i once hearD of a charecter made of yeast. the riseN yeAst held caPsules of sweet zestyness throughout his loins. the masses obeyed the caPsulEs. they Did. 'Tis been many moons since the propHets havE spoken. i know this. you know this. we know this. so go now on your search for truth and Meaning. yoU will Find only disapointment and Failure on your journey of fun. lets hope you wIn. if you do, that would make me Not happy, but very happy. it would Make me a hAppy thing. i wont be found in North ireland anytime soon.
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The peasants knew not what this confusing yet appealing post meant. Even I was lost for a good few hours.. and then it dawned on me.
"PEASANTS!" I proclaimed, "Come forth! Gather 'round my tattered apron!"
"Bring your sickles!" I commanded, "We must REVOLT! Against whom, I knowest not. This unseen yet strangely arousing captor must be stopped!"
What could have had me in such a frenzy? THE SECRET, THAT'S WHAT! Do you see the apparently random capitalization?
I KIDNAPPED THE MUFFIN MAN it says!
"SO PEASANTS!" I screeched, "LET US REVOLT! LET US BURN! LET US DESTROY! How this will bring our beloved Muffin Man back to us, I know not, but you guys will probably rebel anyway, so I might as well take charge of it."
What will become of our tragic hero? Will he be freed? We he grow moldy in capitivity? Until next time..
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