So! My friend Nick and I decided one night that we are food scientists of some sort. We performed great experiments that will surely better mankind -- and what better way to spread our discovery than by posting the recipe on a small website that most likely will not have a lifespan of more than a few years. That said, I now present you with..
HOW TO MAKE A COOKIE LOAF.
1. Obtain cookie dough (by any means necessary). This includes but is not limited to mugging the elderly to get cookie dough money, stealing the dough itself, or murdering the good people at the Pillsbury factory and reaping the spoils of the sweet, sticky goo within. Once you have your prey safely back in your lair, do NOT do this:
Or this:
(however, licking other things is okay -- for example, the person you are baking with or, if you have them, your own breasts. Sorry kids, I don't have any pictures of that yet.)
2. Cut the dough. Actually, this step was more of an accident. The cookie dough started breaking, I got frustrated, and out came the butcher knife.
Moving on.
3. Bake the loaf. If you got your oven at a thrift store or live in a slum like I do, set your oven to 350. I guess you can preheat it, but its not like it heats up correctly anyway so who cares right? If you have a decent oven, you're fucked. I recommend damaging your oven in some severe way before proceeding.
Your loaf will look something like this when you first put it in:
After about 10 minutes, it should start to melt:
Around 17 minutes and 30 seconds, it will begin to flatten out and look kind of like defective bread with spots ..and the inside will take on liquid properties:
4. Surgery. This is where it gets complicated. Because this is a cookie LOAF and not a cookie round flat bread looking thing, surgery has to be performed before its done baking to bring about the desired shape. Take a butcher knife (or two if you have them) and smash the loaf together until its rectangular. The entire bottom will charred and solid. Use this to make walls to enclose the gooey liquid center. When you are done, you will be left not only with a loaf only minutes away from completion, but knives covered in chocolate that you can lick! Licking things is cool.
5. Wait. Because of the inconsistencies of defective ovens such as my own, it is impossible to determine exactly how long a cookie loaf will take after the surgery to finish baking. Just kind of poke at it and stare blankly until you can't wait anymore and want to eat your damn cookies already.
Here are some reference photos of a completed cookie loaf, solely for educational purposes and not because I want to post them but am not entirely sure how to work them into the recipe structure that this little story has taken on.
Cutting the loaf:
A slice of cookie loaf:
Charred remains:
And finally:
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